DISREPUTABLE WASTELAND WIZARDS

Here and there they wander across the Blasted Lands: enchanters covered in the blood of butchered concepts, hunted by memories given teeth. Hiding in the space between breaths. They search for things that cannot be found. They are all doomed and they know it.
 
 

YOU FIND THIS INDIVIDUAL
1 In the stomach of a freshly slain monster.
2 Floating across a desert.
3 In a lotus position on the peak of a mountain.
4 Haggling with a shrub as though it were a merchant.
5 Trapped in a hollow statue of themselves.
6 Dying at the bottom of a ravine.
7 Seeking something impossible.
8 Dueling another DISREPUTABLE WASTELAND WIZARD (generate another).
9 Rocking back and forth in fetal position in a dank cave.
10 Performing autopsy on a dead eldritch horror.
11 Arguing with themselves and losing.
12 Carving something intricate and undecipherable into stone.
13 Taming a multifarious mutant beast.
14 Actively mapping an landscape that looks nothing like this one.
15 Reading a scroll upside down and nodding intently.
16 Bound, hanging upside down from a pole.
17 Fast asleep in a horribly uncomfortable position.
18 Digging a hole in an innocuous location.
19 Performing surgery on themselves.
20 Bashing their head against a wall.

THEY ARE
1 Irritated
2 Thankful
3 Interested
4 Contemptuous
5 Obsessed
6 Annoying
7 Hyperactive
8 Distracted
9 Standoffish
10 Snooty
11 Disillusioned
12 Optimistic
13 Over excited
14 Terrified
15 Traumatized
16 Delighted
17 Suspicious
18 Unpredictable
19 Offended
20 Enraptured

AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO
1 Wield profanity with deadly force.
2 Tame viruses.
3 Selectively shrink or enlarge small parts of things.
4 Knows one Command Word for the Firmament, and has mastered its use.
5 Is on speaking terms with a Spirit.
6 Indefinitely preserve organs and limbs, and thus sell them for profit.
7 Split things into their base components.
8 Shape their own physiology at will.
9 Steal thoughts.
10 Create and enforce Subspaces.
11 Flawlessly manipulate the emotion of disgust.
12 Rot things at will.
13 Be instantly forgettable.
14 Disbelieve and therefore negate supernatural effects that target them.
15 Bisect things into perfect halves.
16 Make living things grow at several times their normal speed.
17 Manipulate emotions through ultra-low frequency sounds.
18 Gaslight people extremely well.
19 Manipulate social connotations at will
20 Mutate at will.

ONCE, LONG AGO, THEY
1 Survived a mind-battle against a Tar Spirit, now is sentient tar filling a pneumatic suit.
2 Surgically removed their own skeleton in fit of unstable genius.
3 Sacrificed the ability to speak proper nouns in order to pass though the Silence.
4 Sees the dead versions of living things, from alternate realities where they died.
5 Can speak only in vapid pop-culture memes from a distant reality.
6 Lost an arm and a leg to a pack of Limb Dogs.
7 Replaced their head with a constantly shifting puzzle-cube.
8 Tried to abort self, failed, and was cursed to be pursued by floating echo-babies.
9 Tried to duplicate self, now pursued by evil twin.
10 Saw the end of all things and became utterly traumatized.
11 Murdered an alternate reality version of themselves and seamlessly took their place.
12 Had their face rotted off in a sacred ritual deep belowground.
13 Were cripplingly but not lethally irradiated.
14 Created, and quickly destabilized, a hive mind. Talks in the third person.
15 Were enslaved by creatures from the Deep Dreamlands who use them as a recording device.
16 Became a were-(d6 1: snail, 2: finch, 3: wasp, 4: centipede, 5: jellyfish, 6: worm) after a genetics experiment went awry.
17 Uncovered the True Meaning of a word so deeply that they can only speak that word.
18 Became the enigmatic leader of a rowdy gang of wasteland bikers.
19 Became the mortal enemy of another DISREPUTABLE WASTELAND WIZARD (generate another).
20 Became a conduit for hostile contagious memetic concept-beasts after making a dealing with an Encryptomorph.

THEY CURRENTLY HAVE
1 A silver skull mask with scope-eyes.
2 Floating geometric metal bits that speak for them.
3 Boombox-pauldrons constantly blasting neurofunk.
4 A prehensile metal claw fused to spine.
5 A living tattoo that makes scintillating conversation.
6 Symbiotic fungal-armor.
7 A four-dimensional hypersword.
8 A shoulder-mounted mini-howitzer.
9 Bisected armor that opens to bring forth Summoned entities.
10 A rorshach test helmet that unnerves any who look at it.
11 A theremin that makes all who hear it (d3) 1: vomit, 2: weep, or 3: shit their pants.
12 A rechargeable gatling drone.
13 Anti-grav boots.
14 Lightsplitting gloves.
15 Infra and X-ray vision goggles.
16 A heavily encrypted data disk.
17 Knowledge of the name of a long-lost god.
18 Knowledge of the location of a Vault.
19 Endlessly folding Escher-staff.
20 Portable probability splitter.

(Many thanks to Angus Warman for teaching me the mysterious ways of javascript!)
This is now part of a series of generators!